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Lifelong Learning: Not What I Expected

Before I retired, I’d had a wonderfully appealing but limited view of “lifelong learning.” I happily imagined going to classes like I did back in school, exploring subjects like music history, art, and architecture. I’d get to simply listen, read, learn without the pressure of exams, and enjoy expanding my mind. Think Osher Institute, Road Scholar (formerly known as Elderhostel), and free programs at the library like the ones I used to produce. I couldn’t wait!

Well, yes, AND … as so often in life, it hasn’t exactly worked out that way. My “classroom” is bigger than I ever dreamed. I call it “the classroom of other people.” Yes, there are tours and lectures—just last week my husband Roland, his brother David, and I visited Gettysburg, taking in the historic cyclorama, film, and a bus tour, which was more than enough to satisfy my interest. But then Roland and David wanted to do the auto tour as well, so we spent the next several hours retracing our steps to every monument, reading every plaque. I was losing my mind with boredom and impatience! I was so mad at them! So upset.

After many resentful trudges up to more monuments, I realized I had another choice—I could sit in the car and read. I didn’t have to force myself to care about yet another brigade. And it’s okay! We are different people. I took a deep breath and powered up a book I fortunately had downloaded on my phone, spending the next hour or two happily ensconced in a biography while they continued to muse over the direction of the battle. Win-win!

This incident reminded me of a Landmark Education course that Roland and I took years ago, which provided invaluable life lessons. When we are upset, we think the cause is “out there”—outside of us. In this case, my husband and his brother were making me upset. I was so frustrated! Why were they covering—again—material we had just gone over with the tour guide? Why weren’t we visiting the charming town of Gettysburg instead of spending more time on the battlefield? Why were they robbing me of MY trip?

I finally recalled the ancient wisdom we learned at Landmark that upsets do not occur “out there,” they happen within us, as a result of unmet expectations and/or thwarted intentions. That explained my upset! I had expected that we’d have a similar timetable for the battlefield. Nope. That expectation was unmet, causing my upset. I’d intended to visit the town as well. Nope. That intention was thwarted—thus, my upset. The upset was occurring inside me because of my expectations and intentions, and Roland and David had nothing to do with it. They weren’t wrong in taking more time to absorb history. I needed to adjust my expectations and intentions.

When I finally accepted what was happening, it freed me to turn my attention from my frustration to an alternative activity that I thoroughly enjoyed, and also freed them to glean as much as they could from this rare visit. We all ended up happier.

This “classroom of other people” is always available to us, whether we’re rich or poor, retired or working. What can we see from their point of view? How can we let go of our own expectations and support someone else’s interests and inquiries?

While I will always relish my traditional classroom learning, this experience and insight felt more significant than memorizing Gettysburg’s timeline and generals. If I can learn to open my mind and take in the classroom of other people, that is real lifelong learning!

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Contributor Wendy Pender is a retired librarian with a special interest in aging inspired by her mom who lived to be 103. She continues to write, learn and grow in retirement, visiting family and friends across the nation.

This article appeared in the September 2024 issue of AgeWise King County.